late night ramblings

I am still single.

I have no prospects at the moment.

I am tired of it!

But I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

After her, there hasn't been ANYONE.

It's kinda sad. It's been what, almost 4 years now. Gods damned.

And further, due to this, I am increasingly sickened by myself.

I should be happy for the people around me who are in relationships.

But I'm not.

And I'm horrible because I think "Well if they weren't in a relationship maybe I'd have a shot."

What the fuck.

Worst mentality ever.

And whats worse about it, the mood that these thoughts puts me in results in me losing my temper and flipping out on people I care about.

I am a horrible person.

Absolutely horrible, without question.

And then it came to me.

That's why.

That's why I can't find anyone anymore. When I was in highschool and early college years, I didn't WANT relationships. They sort of just... Happened.

Now I want relationships. I do silly things to try and get them.

And trying to force the issue pushes people away.

But really. All I want is someone to talk to. Someone who's genuinely interested in me, my day, etc; and someone I can be interested in and want to talk to too!

Is that so much to ask?

...Is it?

It is? Damn...

Well. I dunno then.

But if I talk to you and my conversation ever seems too... pointed. Be sure to just kindly *smack* me, and tell me to chill out.

Cuz I'm really tired of being a horrible person.

I just want some friendship, and not a day goes by when I don't think about and count my lucky stars for you.

-M, punching out.


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